Bratflakes.
It is sad that sometimes emails such as these are the highlights of my day. Love to the humorous fellows in my ‘virtual’ life. This is in response to my lack of correspondence because in all honesty I have been busy! And neglecting my addiction.
Cav…. (unedited in it’s entirety)
Sure sure, you read all of the entertainment that I bring in my messages but you don’t keep up. What’s the deal? Where’s the love, eh? It’s so monumentally rude that I’m going to hold a parade in your honour, a fabulous and spectacular event with balloons, floats, and candy. Lots of candy! And I think I’ll nickname you bratflakes, like branflakes only not as healthy and they certainly won’t keep ya regular (for appointments).
_________
Me :
Haha I think I actually laughed out loud! lol. Wow I cannot believe I just wrote that. I do apologize. Terribly busy and the like. I hate that I don’t have the time to commit to writing witty and intelligent dialog and so I just flake out all together. Oh wait… maybe that is where the nickname came from? Lovely – well done *clap clap* and such.
I don’t really like candy unless it is caramel. Can we have a caramel parade? Where everyone is dressed in brown with nude underwear underneath? You know like a Caramilk bar. Balloons are bad for the environment so biodegradable streamers? Parades are good as long as they are full of horses and people walking. See you should never allow me to give input on things as I will almost always complicate them.
- K
____________
Cav…….
You laughed out loud genuinely, did you? No kidding! But… but how ever could you admit to that? For shame! Off to a convent with you for 100 years as penance. You’ll be Sister Bratflakes! Ha! Lovely. You’ll certainly keep yourself busy there.
I suuuppooose we could exchange the candy for caramel. I’ll have to contact a few people, call in a few favours, pay for the shipping and handling, extort the caramel maffia and the local police, but we can get it done. Geez – so high maintenance.
As for the dressing in nude underwear… I uhh already assumed that that was a given? Hmm. And I’m not sure how it’ll be a CaraMILK bar unless you’re bringing a number of lactating mothers. Your choice. Won’t that be about the yummiest thing this side of Vancouver?
Balloons, balloons, yes too difficult on the planet. Streamers it is, but everyone has to bring thier own. Too expensive! As for the horses and people, yes of course we can have both. BUT, but there will be no one mounted on the horses! It’s belittling and it exploits the poor animals. Next we’ll be clothing them in saddles and reins for thousands of years domesticating them for human benefit for heaven sake!
No, no I’m certainly not conferring with you on my next parade. You ruin everything with this planet-friendly caramel nonsense. Damn Bratflakes!
——-
Well I mean a parade is great but they are really wasteful and if I am going to practice what I preach it would hardly be appropriate for me to condone or have such things held in my honor! I mean really.
And some people just try to be.
Aw. I love it when people think I am great. I mean who doesn’t? But I am. Really. As far as quality goes I am right up there – take note folks. We all have our faults and I will be the first to admit mine but I get an ‘A’ for awesome!
So the saying goes:
You seem like a fun person. The kind of person you see in passing or standing out in a crowded room that, of all the other people, just strikes you as someone you really want to get to know but all too often never get a chance to even say hi. So ya…. Hi.
And then I said:
Well thanks … I don’t know if I stand out in a crowd but I am always smiling and cracking random jokes or making some sort of strange obscure gesture. Not everyone gets me and I am ok with that I am laughing inside.
Pics are good. I am addicted to taking pictures of myself. It is just fun. Also taking pictures of my random possessions piled up to look cool. Maybe I could like put them to use as backgrounds for spam or something.
So he says hi again:
What I meant by standing out in a crowd is that you get so used to people being so fake, shallow, and empty. You meet too many people and they turn out to be like everyone else. So caught up in day to day crap that they don’t take a moment to enjoy life.
You just look like someone different. You look like someone who you could talk to and not have your conversation sound like the last 10 conversations you’ve had with everyone else. (Oh I am …. and I hate that small talk crap get to the point or something interesting already.) Sometimes you can just spot that about a person. If you were walking in a crowd you look like the person I’d probably want to talk to most.
——— and on that note ———
I hate parties and the bar. People have THE MOST BORING conversations in those situations. I am sure it is because you are all drunk. But I don’t drink. So unless I am laughing at what you are saying I am laughing at your inability to communicate and the effort you are putting in (or lack of). The best is talking to people the later on and they don’t remember half of what they talked to you about.
No wait. The best is that this is a socially acceptable way to connect with other people! What the heck is with that? How exactly do you figure folks? Last time I checked a loud, drunken mess of a place is not the best way to meet someone or connect.
I am forever starting conversations with people that do not involve the questions “what do you do for a living?” or “how is your night going?” allow me to give you some real conversation starting questions:
“Global warming is a sham and that Al Gore book is Global Warming for Dummies”
“Do you believe in God?”
“So where is your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband?”
“See this scar? I got it from a donkey.”
“What do you think about suburbia?”
Oh there are tons. Piles. Think people. Be creative. For crap sakes be true to yourselves. (ok that last bit was slightly off topic but it is all the same really – 36 inches around….. think about it…)
Small Towns are trouble with a capital ‘T’ whoops … Trouble.
Um so sometimes when you deal locally you can encounter situations that are um awkward…. like meeting the guy you have been flirting with online and finding out he is seeing one of your good friends.
Me: Hire Me! I am a computer nerd and will work for food or small funds.
He: Pleased to meet another Computer Nerd! blah blah yakkity schmackkity… So what is the web programmer doing this weekend?
Me: That is all I get? Not even a few lines? Aw… so sad.
He : (apologized profusely and then divulged his plans for the weekend)
….. something awkward happens ……
He: Thanks for coming to my party ********* And leaving the cards. They will be used!
Me: I think I put it together some time last night. Hey I ‘know’ that guy. Perhaps you knew right off the bat but I didn’t….. blah blah…..
He: Who else do you know that knows me?
Me: Just girls…… I like girls…….
Er… and then my stupid girlfriend dumped his ass. Stupid girl. He was quality people. Perhaps the lame dialog here doesn’t really do him justice but I assure you. By the way… not the first person she and I both ‘know’.
Some people think they are funny…
Ah crap… why has my ability to back date posts dissapeared? Now everyone is going to know how I slacked off. Damn you WordPress!! Ah…. I figured it out.. hehehehe.
There are times when I get into the ‘zone’ and it seems like I find people who are truly worth writing to. The addiction is time consuming ok! And wasting my precious intellect and wit on losers is just taxing in all sorts of ways.
Alright so I come across a profile – hilarious – high hopes – which are soon dashed with form responses but it is ok I get it these things are time consuming and what not but I believe my statement was proved with the response ;) I’ll give ya some highlights from the profile:
- I have a big ass mirror in my shower. Most people think it’s for shaving (and it is), but what it’s REALLY for making shampoo horns and monster faces at myself every morning.
- I still eat Cocoa Puffs and watch cartoons in a tent in my living room sometimes.
- First Date: Excuse myself to go to the bathroom, come back soaking wet, offer no explanation.
Me:
Do you use the same material on all your dates or are you witty enough to come up with new stuff on the fly?
There is a perpetual tent in my living room and I sleep with pajama cat. It doesn’t make me crazy. Being a girl makes me that. Girls are hott. As is my mom. It sucked in high school but now it is cool. Except people think we are sisters. Which is great for her not so much for me. However apparently I haven’t changed since highschool. That is a good thing. I am almost sure of it.
He:
Allow me to introduce myself properly now that we’ve almost sort of met. I am a graduate from the School of Sexy with a fourth degree black belt in ass kickery. I teach at the Handsome Boy Modeling School on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sunday mornings I practice meditation in the nude, in front of my ten cats. I have a unique gift of being able to “keep it real”, while simultaneously “taking it to the next level.” My favorite movies include Kickboxer and The Notebook.
(YAWN form response so sad buddy don’t you know who you are dealing with here?)
Me:
Hello ****** the name is ******** Can I attend classes? I am available Tuesday mornings and am trained in Tom Foolery and ‘walking with a book on your head’. It is a fine art.
I’m not really sure I could meditate nude if I had a um, thingy, every time I opened my eyes and glanced down I’d giggle. Maybe it is the boys/boobs thing.
So where is ‘the next level’ or is that a relative thing? Like where is the door?
I like long walks by the rivers edge and throwing water balloons at old people and small children. Also practical jokes an scavenger hunts.
He:
You had me at Hello. ………….blah blah – insert boring nonsense about communication – blah blah………… no he will not stalk me immediately – he has to get gas first….. blah blah………. I am a man of many talents one of them includes singing and dancing the Macarena – yeah I am just that good.
And that is pretty much it…. seriously disappointing. I mean come on people! This guy is funny put some effort in. Am I to believe that comedians are not actually funny they are just people with good material and can tell a joke? I definitely cannot tell a joke. Mostly because it involves remembering them and then telling them without laughing or snorting. Maybe I should work on that.
Stalkers and Secret Admirers
There is something flattering and slightly frightening about having a stalker. I imagine if the stalker is good and semi sane there is a chance you will never even know they are following you. I enjoyed some amusing conversation about stalkers with a friend recently and thought I might share it with you….
He: And ***** on my back because that’s my last name.
Me: Aw. That is nice and now I can stalk you.
He: Um should I be concerned?
Me: Depends on how private a person you are.
Numerous conversations later…..
He: Working out of town next week here at the office now.
Me: Home office is here?
He: Yup under the ****.
Me: Nice. Now I can definitely stalk you. Last name. Place of work. What colour is your truck?
He: Green, white canopy. How exciting I’ve never had a stalker before!
Me: Just wait until I start telling you things about your day.
And sending you pictures….. of you!
blah blah blah yakkity schmakkity
He: I am making this stalking thing way too easy on you***-***-****
And so I am pretty sure I proceeded to hunt down his truck and wrote, “I know what you did last Wednesday.” on his door. I was going to bust out the lipstick but I don’t know him THAT well. ha!
Me: Note I almost got into a traffic accident trying to figure out where exactly it was that you worked
He: You have to be careful when you are stalking someone.
Me: It is hazardous. But at least I keep my own personal stalkers entertained.
He clarified for me where exactly the office was…..
Me: Clearly I am the worlds worst stalker.
He: So I have nothing to worry about and go back to sleeping at night.
Me: Apparently. Aren’t stalkers harmless?
He: All stalkers are different. I remember this one time I was following this girl around…. never mind. I told you nothing.
Me: Should I be concerned? Are you dangerous?
He: Nah mostly harmless.
Anyway this has evolved into a running gag because as it turns out we know a lot of the same people although never actually see each other anywhere until later when we realize that one of us was following the other around all day or something.
Regardless. Stalking isn’t safe. Establish your boundaries and be careful!
The Ladder Theory
Well…. I often suggest that people read www.laddertheory.com just because it is entertaining and has some truth to it. However apparently it seriously upset this fellow:
Well I read the damn theory. This ***hole suggests to I be more interested in my bad illegal habit then the woman I`m with, neglect her and abuse her, cheat on her if I can, and attack her self-esteem. Low self esteem is one of the biggest enemys of all women. Instead of endorsing underhanded ways of hurting women we should be fighting against these EVIL ideas (or misguided if you prefer). This guy talks the whole time about how women are whores and ****es that like to be abused and want nothing more then money and power. If I ever date a girl like that it would be over in a flash because I wouldn`t treat a girl I loved like that, or any girl no matter how I felt. This guy is obviously a scared, hurt, twisted, Misogynist. He was devastated by some cold heartless **** and now forever hates women. Now he spreads hate through his misguided theory that looks solely at the dark side of life. He probably got all his info from the bar crowd, because that is how it works in the night life.
You just touch on my Holy Discontent.
Whew. We can breathe again. Feel the emotion. Wow. Hey at least he is passionate. While I do not think it is the ‘greatest’ analogy in the world, sadly it is true. Men are men. You can’t help it it is only natural they are simple creatures – hunting & sex. That is what it all boils down to. Steak & Blowjob day? I rest my case.
It is good you are simple creatures. Women tend to complicate the crap out of things if we didn’t have you to simplify it well we’d be screwed. Do I have a problem with the part where it says women are all about money and power – meh. It is true. To a point. Everyone has a different perspective of what wealth and success are to them. To me: if you are happy beyond measure and have very little debt then you know what? You are successful and wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. What girl would honestly want to marry a guy who can’t pay his bills? Or the other way round for that matter.
I chalk them up to facts of life. Really they are facts of society because life does not necessarily have to involve wealth or power. Happiness and courage perhaps are good replacements… ah… until then. Adieu.
Children on the net.
I take issue with people posting pictures of their children on the internet in certain situations it is not at all appropriate and in fact is down right dangerous. Like on a dating site for example…. can you say sexual predator?
He: After reading your profile i figured I’d send you a message anyways. I can’t dance and I’m showing off my kids proudly. Ha, what an ass. I feel guilty now.
Me: I see no kids. And dancing is a freeing of the spirit. Everyone can dance.
He: Maybe I do have a conscience after all the kids aren’t in the profile anymore. I loved your little pep talk there, I’m now convinced that I’m worthy of a little dance floor real estate. I should probably u-tube a few dance moves before I go just to be on the safe side.
Me: And a mirror. Always in front of a mirror. That is how stars are born.
He: I thought it was illegal, even leaving a dog in your car is frowned on, but sometimes it is quicker and easier if you leave em behind. I went on holiday once and left mine in the car at the airport until I came back, had an awesome time.
Me: Neglectful maybe. Illegal, no.
The dog was in your car until you came back? Um how did it eat and stuff? Didn’t it destroy your car?
People frown upon dogs in hot cars. I don’t think anyone cares about when it is mild out.
He: It wasn’t a dog but my kids that I left in the car.
Me: (Ok wait a second is he being serious? He LEFT his kids in the car and got on a plane? I am going to assume he is kidding…) Meh… If I leave them in because I will be in and out I always leave em buckled so they can’t strangle them selves or take the car out of gear. Frick mine ask to stay if I am just going to be a second!
He: Wow funny you should mention the seatbelt thing, cuz on a serious note I did go pay for gas one time and found my daughter choking on her belt. That was pretty scary.
And that pretty much wraps the neglectful parent conversation which turned out to be totally off the topic of putting your kids picture online. They aren’t an advertisement people they are your children and need your protection until they are capable of protecting themselves. Yeesh.
A diamond in the rough.
I had 14 new messages when I logged into my account today. In all of them there was only one worth posting! Ok so maybe some bits and pieces were good but this is gold in my personal opinion:
Once upon a time, a girl from some random city messaged me asking me to regale her with lavish stories of my fair city’s wonderment. Alas, somewhere she disappeared before such stories could be told. So, they remain, now, buried in lazy memory, never engendered and never articulated. Will she still venture to this city? hmmm
