Children on the net.
I take issue with people posting pictures of their children on the internet in certain situations it is not at all appropriate and in fact is down right dangerous. Like on a dating site for example…. can you say sexual predator?
He: After reading your profile i figured I’d send you a message anyways. I can’t dance and I’m showing off my kids proudly. Ha, what an ass. I feel guilty now.
Me: I see no kids. And dancing is a freeing of the spirit. Everyone can dance.
He: Maybe I do have a conscience after all the kids aren’t in the profile anymore. I loved your little pep talk there, I’m now convinced that I’m worthy of a little dance floor real estate. I should probably u-tube a few dance moves before I go just to be on the safe side.
Me: And a mirror. Always in front of a mirror. That is how stars are born.
He: I thought it was illegal, even leaving a dog in your car is frowned on, but sometimes it is quicker and easier if you leave em behind. I went on holiday once and left mine in the car at the airport until I came back, had an awesome time.
Me: Neglectful maybe. Illegal, no.
The dog was in your car until you came back? Um how did it eat and stuff? Didn’t it destroy your car?
People frown upon dogs in hot cars. I don’t think anyone cares about when it is mild out.
He: It wasn’t a dog but my kids that I left in the car.
Me: (Ok wait a second is he being serious? He LEFT his kids in the car and got on a plane? I am going to assume he is kidding…) Meh… If I leave them in because I will be in and out I always leave em buckled so they can’t strangle them selves or take the car out of gear. Frick mine ask to stay if I am just going to be a second!
He: Wow funny you should mention the seatbelt thing, cuz on a serious note I did go pay for gas one time and found my daughter choking on her belt. That was pretty scary.
And that pretty much wraps the neglectful parent conversation which turned out to be totally off the topic of putting your kids picture online. They aren’t an advertisement people they are your children and need your protection until they are capable of protecting themselves. Yeesh.
A diamond in the rough.
I had 14 new messages when I logged into my account today. In all of them there was only one worth posting! Ok so maybe some bits and pieces were good but this is gold in my personal opinion:
Once upon a time, a girl from some random city messaged me asking me to regale her with lavish stories of my fair city’s wonderment. Alas, somewhere she disappeared before such stories could be told. So, they remain, now, buried in lazy memory, never engendered and never articulated. Will she still venture to this city? hmmm
Boycotting Valentine’s Day
These were in response to a mass email I sent out yesterday requesting that no one purchase flowers, cards, chocolates, jewelry or anything pink or red or has hearts on it. And instead treat it as any other day in favour of being creative and or romantic on two other totally unrelated separate times in the year. I also requested that people gather in front of Hallmark and Jewelry stores to protest but no one seemed game for my protest.
Examples:
Subject: As corny as this is….
Happy Valentine’s Day.Subject: Check your junk mail
I sent you an e-card.Subject: Happy Non-Valentine’s Day
You crack me up.Subject: Boycott V-Day
Say no to roses.
Sigh… this day is really a sign of everything that is wrong with the world. There are lots of signs by the way however this one in particular shows our obsession with conformity. In the spirit of protest and boycott I am encouraging you to ignore the day that comes tomorrow in favor of another normal Thursday in February.
In the spirit of supporting my fellow bloggers, vloggers etc I shall send you to a fellow protester: Wasted Moment #45
Witty banter is the goods.
Someone actually wrote that to me I didn’t make it up all by myself. I don’t want to have any copyright issues here I give credit where credit is due and what not.
Subject: How convenient – Wet is my last name.
….blah blah blah…. you don’t really want to know because the title was the best part of this lame message…. blah blah blah
Subject: The first one is free.
Well if Kinky is your first name and wet is your last name, then we might just get along!!!
It’s a pleasure to meet you, where do you hail from??Subject: Hail is a weather phenomenon.
Why ****** of course!
Did you know that there is a group of people out there who would call that circle thingy in your pic above an ‘orb’. They follow happy folks around for some reason. The debate is out.
Apparently there is a whole collection of pictures with ‘orbs’ in them which is kinda cool and interesting… ok back to the emails
Subject: I’ll have to take your word for it….
Did you know that its against the law to open a massage parlor in Horneytown, North Carolina?? haha, when it comes to stupid random trivia, I got it on Lock down.
And he does in face have it on ‘lock down’ there were other comments that I am not sure are fit for this all audiences blog. Don’t want to scare the kiddies or make racial slurs now. That would be so unlike me.
Now you may be wondering why exactly I am only posting correspondence from men and I will explain it to you: Chicks are bitches. Sorry ladies but you are. Perhaps if I were to pose as a dude I might get a better response rate but as it stands I am not prepared to sacrifice myself for my addiction to falsely connect with the female population. I do send email to girls. Lots of it. And they don’t respond. Or they do respond and the emails are lame. Maybe I should stop deleting the really lame emails and start collecting them (oh I get bad email from guys too don’t worry ladies) then post a top 10 worst email responses or something. It is a thought. Until then if you know a cool chick who would write me – LET ME KNOW!! I would love to chat with her.
Here’s hoping.
Everything you hear is true. Don’t believe what they tell you.
Subject: To good to be true?
Hey there, nice profile. It definitely seems like a logical composition but as the title indicates, you make your self sound too good to be true. I have my doubts when it comes to the existence of forward, honest, practical and mostly sane women however, I am open to pleasant surprises (I’m even willing to accept the cat preference ;).
OK so Obviously buddy is trying really hard to get a rise out of me here because he assumes (despite what he has just read) that I am some crazy emotional chick who will take offense and write back. Or he hopes I can come up with a clever response. Lucky bastard gets the latter. For kicks one day I think I should just tear some poor guy a new one with crazy girl hysterics but for sure I wouldn’t get a funny response and he would post my crazy email on his blog!
Subject: Depends on your version of truth.
Oh honesty is always the best policy. I am willing to sacrifice a lot in favor of honesty. Doesn’t always land me in the best position but I get my point across and people can do what they like with it.
And, no. I do not play acoustic. I own one. Used to own two. And there is a very rare occasion when I will actually attempt to play it but for the most part I own the guitar so I can make other people play it for me because I LOVE acoustic guitars (and making people do stuff for me).
A real live engineer. My my. So you know your physics do you? Care to partake in an interesting conversation where all the defined rules of physics are reversed?
Subject: LAME BOY DIDN”T CHANGE THE TITLE
….blah blah blah… yakkity schmakkity…..
You could say I’m familiar with the laws that govern our physical world. Sounds like you’re an uber geek. Computer programming and an interest in physics…. hmmmm I’m not sure if I should talk to you or study you ;) Reversing the defined rules of physics sounds like a mind blowing concept, a real paradigm shifter. Do you think you could keep up?
Short answer. No. I cannot. Nor do I care about the ‘laws’ that govern our physical world. Which is a very good way of putting it. Ok ok sorry I know this is the humor section SORRY ok! Quick quick something funny about physics: ‘Two atoms bump into each other. One says ‘I think I lost an electron!’ The other asks, ‘Are you sure?’, to which the first replies, ‘I’m positive.’
sigh…. there is nothing all that funny about physics.
Flattery Will Get You Everywhere.
Hey the dude complimented me in a really bizarre manner. That has to warrant posting no?
Subject: I don’t wanna marry you – promise.
Did you know there is a gift on here that is a picture of a girl in her underware? I’m not sure I understand that. I mean give it to a girl and it says, ‘I hope you look like this’ or give it to a guy and it says… um wait what does it say? Clearly the whole random hot chick picture gift is lost on me. I hope my life can go on.
…..blah blah … yadda yadda ….
I would hope that doesn’t put a damper on our friendship.
Since I won’t be having your babies I think that puts me in the clear, no?
Subject: How sad. No wife for me today…
That must be the most provocative and yet blatant attempt at appealing to my interest in the creative that I’ve experienced on here. Clearly, you’re in the wrong field with that computer design. Yet… you could design some pictures of girls in underwear that would satisfy your understanding of said phenomenon. Interesting? Regardless, I’m afraid that your life won’t go on. You’re doomed. I read it in your horoscope. Perished at age 26.
Unfortuantely I’ve already come to a dire conclusion to our interaction (or lack thereof)… You don’t want to marry me. You decided already not to have my children. I’m afraid that I have to break up with you. Nope, sorry, it’s over. Don’t start to argue. And it’s all you, not me. We could’ve been married and had kids but no.
No no no, you had to ruin it all. I’m through with this relationship.
Subject: It’s all an illusion. I promise.
How dare you read my horoscope! That is such an invasion of my privacy. Oh and just so you know I am about 89% sure that I failed to fill in the form accurately therefore my sign is incorrect. So ha!
……When appealing to people who have basically created themselves online it would take a small minded moron to not mirror their own traits. Flattery will get you everywhere my friend, absolutely everywhere.
Subject: Exempt from all further dealings.
It’s too late. I already read your horoscope and I’m 89.5% sure that it is accurate – at least according to the information that I know about you thus far. Yes yes.
Hmm… in my dealings, I’m not sure how far flattery will get someone. However, clearly your vastly superior experience in this area, coupled with your intelligent psychopathy dawned out of the wisdom of world leaders outshines my small-town experiences.
Tada!
Final thoughts: Some material needs to be practiced before put into action. Not everyone can wrap their brains around my astounding wit and intellect and therefore confuse my subjects. Lastly, there are times (they are few) when I am just plain old not funny.
Hello world!
How could I change such a marvelous title!
Welcome to my latest and quite possibly greatest project. This is a blog that will amuse you with my hilarity and antics of email addiction. You can solicit email from perfect strangers pretty much everywhere on the web. I have often tossed around the idea of sharing some of the best responses with the world for all to see and enjoy. I have recently been inspired to stop thinking about it and take action!
And without further ado this was written to a user whose name was “Just So Tired” they had actually sent me an email first and here is the response:
Does your name refer to you being tired of dating or tired in general?
In all honesty it isn’t really the greatest name!!Regardless you seem like an introspective and moderately self aware person who has more to them than what they watched on TV last week which is a plus. (I don’t watch tv – YouTube…well I am addicted – people are funny!!)
…..blah blah blah…. some crap about interests and life …..blah blah…..
- K
And often I forget just how I am going to be taken because in the written format you do not have the ability to show someone you are smiling or have the best of intentions with your direct pointed questions….
So an honest reply, I respect that.
Do you think that you have me pegged so quickly as moderatly self aware? You strike me as smart enough to realize I wouldn’t put all of me out in a single paragraph for total strangers. But maybe not, I guess we shall see.I’m intrigued though. You don’t seem to shy away from your opinions. At first I was taken back but then started to chuckle. And so a game then, tell me what you think you know about me from a few short sentences.
I will give you a clue …blah blah blah……the clue goes here… blah blah blah…..
I hope this email doesn’t have a bitter tone to it as that isn’t my intent. I got a kick out of your email. Granted it took me a bit to try and figure out how to respond. I liked that though. You get pretty generic notes from people for the most part. I look forward to what your going to say next (I think)
And of course I had a marvelous response where I pretty much pegged the guy for exactly the kind of person he was. That about it for this set of amusing conversation but please do check in for more!!
It just so happens…..
That I have another blog somewhere. It doesn’t really fit along the lines of this one so I will fore go linking to it for now but if you are really smart and pay really close attention you may just may be able to figure it out. I do like to ramble on and on after all. And I claim I am a writer.
